dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We left the knife in your bed.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
