yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
