It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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