I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize