I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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