How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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