dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
