Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
