Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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