My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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