I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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