dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she peed on how many people?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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