True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
