her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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