come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
