this beer tastes like vomit already
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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