Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
