The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
