you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
