Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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