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• (703): View more from Virginia

  I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.

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• (760): View more from California

  Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.

  (912): View more from Georgia

  What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?

  (760): View more from California

  I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.

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• (805): View more from California

  An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.

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• (905): View more from Toronto

  FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.

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• (419): View more from Ohio

  His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.

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• (619): View more from California

  found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.

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• (217): View more from Illinois

  I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

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• (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on

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• (910): View more from North Carolina

  They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.

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• (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.

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• (419): View more from Ohio

  I can't turn off my feet"

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• (585): View more from New York

  He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?

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