Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
