Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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