Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
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