Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
no more duck duck goose at the bar
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
