i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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