Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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