I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
