dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
How external is "for external use only"?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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