I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
