i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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