get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
