When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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