He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
