I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just sucked dick on a ferry
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
