Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
