broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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