textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
