Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
