Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
