I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
