I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
