after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
