I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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