there's paper in my vomit.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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