How'd it feel making her break her religion?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
