Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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