3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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