Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize