Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
