The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize