P.S. I can't hear my feet
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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