Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
40s are totally the cure
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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