I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
