My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize