my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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