Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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