he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
