I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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