we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
